Well, if you insist — A man walks into his daughter’s room and finds her in bed with a vibrator. He says — “What in the world are you doing?” She replies — “Dad, I’m forty years old, fat and ugly. I’ll never get married. This vibrator is my husband.” A little while later, her mother walks into the room. She says — “What are you doing with that thing?” The daughter answers — “Mom, I’m forty years old and fat and ugly. I’ve never been on a date. This vibrator is my husband.” Some time later, the mother walks into the kitchen. There is her husband — a bottle of scotch in one hand, the vibrator in the other. She says — “What the hell are you doing?” He replies — “I’m having a drink with my son-in-law.”

Unfortunately, my best joke is too raunchy to put on this site. But I loved reading all the others.

This is an old Buddy Hackett joke. See: http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blgorsky.htm Neil Armstrong thought it was funny, though. I believe he was on some talk show and said that.

My husband’s birthday is December 16th, so I’m taking him to his favorite restuarant. Other than that we’ve cut back on dining out. Unfortunately, I’m lousy cook, so we do a lot of take out, but it’s still less expensive. I tried coloring my hair last week. It was easy to do, but I don’t like the color. I though it was the one the colorist used, but it wasn’t. Now I have to wait about two months before trying again. I have to drive a lot for my work. Fortunately, the price of gas has dropped recently, and I’m trying to drive more slowly to maximize the mileage. My nails are a wreck! I’ll have to have them done, but it’s been over three weeks. I used to go every week. Every little bit helps.

Romantic — comedy or not. I can never get enough of them.

I guess I’m vain, but I really care about how I look. I know I’m not a raving beauty, but I want to make the best impression I can. It’s probably a result of having a vain (and very beautiful) mother.

I’ve never been a “Family Person,” but on Thanksgiving, they’re whom I want to be with. It’s always been my favorite holiday. One reason is that anyone and everyone can participate, regardless of your religious beliefs. I’ve always had problems with my family about religion — I chose to reject the one into which I was born and chose another, and they vehemently disapproved. But on Thanksgiving, we all share the holiday. The food is always good, too.

I love aerobics, but unfortunately cannot find a class that’s suitable for me. The ones I used to take have closed, and the only ones left are geared for twenty-year-olds. I tried a couple and had to drop out after about two minutes. So I walk, when the weather is suitable. Right now it’s pouring.

I drive for business, and also for my major hobby, which is participating in community theater. All of this requires driving, lots of it. I’ve tried to conserve by slowing down and coasting whenever safe, but, unfortunately, I still use a lot of gas. Prices have dropped in my area, which helps financially, but it hasn’t really affected my gas consumption.

Thanks, Carol — I am holding. But I don’t expect a full recovery for ten years, and I may not live that long. ;-) My husband is retired, and on a fixed income, which is shrinking, too. So, we’ve cut back on just about everything except air and water. I just hope Obama can clean up some of this mess. I don’t expect miracles, but he’s certainly an improvement over the past eight years, and is surrounding himself with the greatest brains in economics.

I was hoping to retire in the near future, but my IRA has lost about 35% of its value, so I don’t think I’ll be able to for quite a while. I’m well past the usual “retirement age,” and I’ve been semi-retired for a couple of years (I have my own business), but I guess I’ll just have to keep working. Well, at least it keeps me off the streets.

Moisturizer and a positive attitude.

It was my wedding night — we “saved it” in those days (or at least I did). It was a very disappointing experience. Apparently my husband was as inexperienced as I was. Three days later, the condom broke, resulting in my “surprise” older son.

How about a pit bull — with lipstick!

He wasn’t named Boots — he was Socks! And as a cat person, I was delighted to see him in the White House. But it isn’t my decision to make. Two little girls would undoubtedly want a pet they can play with, and cats really don’t play much, after they’re grown. They’re too busy sleeping.