Letter #1 When I met my husband five years ago, he told me that he wanted to take me to Indian Springs, Georgia to meet his family. I thought I was being taken to visit the old family plantation. Little did I realize that it is where several generations of his family can be found all residing side-by-side. He wishes to be cremated and interred beside his father and wishes for me to drive with his cremains in the front seat with the top down from our home in Fort Lauderdale to Indian Springs. Personally, I think his wishes have the potential for disaster, but it is his funeral as they say. My father has also made his wishes clear. My father is a Korean war vet, a retired fire chief, a 33rd degree mason and a Zen buddhist. He wants a buddhist ceremony, complete with chanting and insense. He says the firemen, war vets, and the masons are all welcome to attend. For me, I suppose I don’t really care, however I think that the time may come when I will, and I would hope that my wishes would be respected and my family would choose to celebrate my life rather than mourn my death.

Letter #2  You show a great deal of maturity and integrity in refusing to have anything to do with this couple. More people should take a stand when they feel that they are being subjected to behavior that is illegal, unethical or immoral.

I believe you are violating the Fair Labor Standards Act. I have no respect for anyone who takes advantage of ANYONE regardless of age who is performing work for them.

You are shocked that no one wanted to work for a 100.00 a week in a dirty, non-air conditioned warehouse for you. You are paying these kids 2.50/hour. Shame on you.

 I read your response to the woman who posted the anecdote about the two 14year olds and I thought your rage was palatable. You have subsequently apologised for your rant, but I think your attitude toward youths in general is nasty and disrespectful.

 For my part, I think today’s youths have a lot to teach this "old dog". If I want to learn the lesson of tolerance, respect for people regardless of race, creed, gender or sexual persuasion, I need to look no further than our youth. They are far more respectful of people’s differences than most of the people from my age group. It is tolerance and respect for each other and our environment that makes me confident that our country’s future will be in good hands.

Dear Becky,

 Why don’t you do both you and your family a huge favor and make a clean breast of it. Do you realize that you have written that you have not had a "completely clear conscience for decades" over a thousand dollar balance on a credit card. The amount of weight you are carrying, "the overwhelming shame", is crippling you. I suspect if we asked for your husband’s assessment he would say describe you as secretive, moody, and withdrawn. Why don’t you sit down and have a frank discussion with him TODAY. They say confession is good for the soul.

 BTW, anyone who describes managing the family finances as a scheme, needs to turn that responsibility back over to her husband. I suspect that this could be a positive turning point for you and your family.

#2  He’s "a wonderful person, an even better father and he’s also a tremendous liar". There is a complete disconnect between these descriptives. Habitual liars are neither wonderful people, nor wonderful fathers by definition. That is of course unless fear, stress and mistrust are acceptable by-products of such a relationship.

 I have never been in a relationship with an addict, whether it be drugs, drink, or anything else, but I have had a roommate who was a gambler. She was actually my boss and I had known her for about 12years before she came to live with me. She was making about 70K a year, no husband, one teen, and a small house. I had heard rumblings that she was a gambling addict and that after working a double shift, she would head down to the casino and gamble all night to return back to work wearing the same clothes. She lost the house, her son moved out to live with relatives and she was homeless. She moved in with me. She continued to gamble until I discovered that she had dipped into company funds and asked me to cover it because the auditors made a surprise visit and she was short money out of the 20K kept on our base. I covered it once. The second time it happened, I paid it again and I went and reported it to her boss. She had two choices. Admit she had a problem and she took the money, or be fired and charged. The company paid her salary and paid for a two month residential rehab programme.

 I would like to say she doesn’t gamble now, but I don’t really think it’s true. I believe she now travels over two hours to go to a different casino, so she won’t be seen by anyone she knows. The only positive of that is that she can only go a couple of times a week, but it is a tragedy that continues to play out, some seven years after the stint in rehab.

 For my part, I couldn’t take the deception any longer no matter how charming and how much I enjoyed her company, but for the gambling. It killed me to be around someone who was bent on self-destruction. I felt trapped in my own home by this insideous compulsion and I went out of my way to avoid her. I finally sold the house and I bought myself a smaller home and a small condo, which I rented out to her. I have left my job now and I have cut her out of my life. It is so unfortunate that a twenty year relationship had to end, but I got to the point where I realized the gambling was like a cancer and it was completely affecting the way I was living my life.

 I don’t have answers but I suggest that anyone living with an addict, particularly a gambler, realize that they and their children are going to circle the drain along side their addicted spouse and there isn’t a damn thing the addict can or will do to stop it.

I didn’t put words in your mouth, I simply read your words and suggested that your words leave little room for choice. Words such as " I do think that a compassionate person would have CHOSEN NOT to give birth to a child that would know nothing but suffering. ANYONE who does that IS weak, selfish and cruel. Especially selfish". My personal favorite however is "we have to get past the foolishness that OTHERS try to foist on us and understand all aspects of a situation before acting on something this important. CHOOSING not to act should be a conscious decision instead of doing nothing because you don’t want to think about it".  What makes you think that the couple who chose to have this seriously disabled child didn’t think long and hard, obtain as much information as possible and in the end make a gut-wrenching conscious decision to have the child. Or is it your position that their CHOICE to continue the pregnancy was an act of "doing nothing" and that nothing was cowardice.

 I didn’t put words in your mouth, I merely held up a mirror and let your words speak for themselves. There is no room in your stance for choice. More importantly, your words leave no room for respect for that choice. I stand by what I wrote, you do not speak of choice, unless that choice aligns with your own narrow view of the world.

BTW, you write " nowhere is it written that life should be fair"; to this I say the hell it shouldn’t be. That is exactly what it should be.

So, if I understand you correctly, you are not pro-choice, you are pro-abortion, and you believe that a woman’s right to choose is OK only as long as it conforms to your notion of what is right or wrong. Are you also saying that this child’s right to life, whatever quality of life she had, for as little time she had it, has no value. Or are you saying that a compassionate person would have extinguished her life and that anyone who did not is weak, selfish and cruel. It sounds to me that you have this all figured out and you ought to form some high court that metes out abortions and death sentences (for anyone who missed out being aborted) on all those who are unwanted, infirm, or mentally or physically handicapped. 

 The couple made a choice to have this child. Perhaps it wouldn’t have been the choice I would have made, perhaps it would have been if I didn’t find out about the child’s prognosis until after she was viable, and obviously it wouldn’t have been your choice, but it was a CHOICE. 

I am sorry about the loss of your 30 year business, you must be devastated. However, if I understand you correctly, you are blaming "left-leaning" governmental regulations on your failing business. Surely as a conservative, you accept the concept of economic Darwinism or free-market enterprise which determines who survives and who doesn’t. As for governmental regulations, which ones are you talking about; the laws that would protect the environment from irresponsible manufacturers, or perhaps the laws that would require you to hire/fire without prejudice against, color, creed, age, or gender, or perhaps the ones that would require you to be licensed and pay the appropriate taxes to engage in business.

 As for me espousing "partisan bickering", you have left me completely in the dark. I have not pointed out the gross mismanagement and sheer idiocy of the last eight years, nor have I wholly embraced the current administration’s action plan for turning around the country. What I said and let me be clear, is that all us regardless of party affiliation need to dialogue and put aside partisan ideologies to come together and present a plan of action. If this means that we all must give a little, then so be it. It is clear that neither the republican nor democratic platforms are going to work. Enough rhetoric, we need a strong voice and clear direction, regardless of party affiliation.

Margo,

 I am not entirely certain that I agree with some of your friend’s reasoning, but I think his conclusions have some merit. My own view is that this century belongs to China and we may very well see it emerge as the new superpower. Either that or as your friend suggests we may see several seats of power, each interdependent of the other. The problem with that view is that it presupposes that each regional center of power will be content exercise it’s control within it’s borders and will not feel the need to colonize. Unfortunately, history has proven time and again that this does not happen, so if history does in fact repeat itself, we are in for a period in time marked by clashes, battles and wars. The really scary part of this scenario of course, is that we have lunatics in power in some of these emerging power centers, lunatics who have access to nuclear weapons, weapons of mass destruction, and who want to see the world rid of the US. Oh yes, and these same lunatics feel that they have God’s ear and his approval. These same lunatics btw, do not give a rat’s ass whether a democrat or a republican sits in the oval office. Their issue is with the west in general, and the US in particular and right or wrong they see us as immoral, bloated, self-righteous, xenophobic, and excessive in everything we do.

 These same powers while underestimating and not understanding the US in many respects, do in fact know that the US has overspent itself into oblivion, has serious domestic problems that it has failed to solve, and prefers to commit it’s energy and resources into sicking it nose in other people’s affairs. The US has always played the blame game and both it’s infrastructure and policies reflect this attitude of blaming previous administrations and/or other nation’s governments for it’s problems.The US has a reputation, one which it deserves quite frankly, of being the bully on the block and this has not endeared itself to the rest of the world, which on a certain level enjoys seeing the US taken down a notch or two.

 For my part, I am a recent immigant to the US and I have the benefit of seeing the US from both the perspective of an outsider looking in and now an insider. The US has huge domestic problems, and I am not sure that it’s citizens have the ability to come together and support it’s current administration and get this country back on track. Too much energy is spent on partisan politics and too little on meaningful dialogue and action. For me, I see the decline of western civiliztion in no small part, due to the growth and influence of the ultra right-wing fundamentalist Christian right. They have convinced growing numbers of  people that the moral decay and in fact all of our domestic troubles can be attributed to a lack of faith in Jesus. They convince people that the US needs to become isolationist by halting immigration (unless they are white, and have money and speak English), curb technology and research, and return to a frontier life with guns and the bible for companions. 

I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that unless we work together regardless, of color, faith, gender, or political belief, we will become a second world country inside of thirty years.

Kelly,

 It is clear how you feel about the issue of abortion and it is clear that you will probably never waver from your stance. It is equally clear you see it as your mission not only to convert others to your way of thinking but actively campaign to change Roe v Wade. However, for those of us who have our own views on the subject (even those who agree), and who feel equally strong about those, we don’t need graphic descriptives of partial birth third trimester abortions. I am also tired of hearing you label anyone who does not agree with your stance as liberal or democrat. I happen to be fairly conservative when it comes to fiscal spending, but I am sick to death of being lumped in with any particular party because I happen to hold a view that is somewhere in the middle. I am neither pro-choice, nor pro-life. I personally feel no kinship with either group. Neither side is willing to budge an inch. The pro-life movement would see women carry ANY pregnancy to term under ANY circumstance. The pro-choice movement would see nothing wrong with women exercising her choice to end a pregnancy even after the child was viable. Neither position is right or just.

 #2   The woman and in fact anyone who finds themselves in this position needs to do the following:

a) start a journal detailing incidents with her boss and specific as to   date/time/place.

b) put all complaints in writing to HR and her boss’ boss. Again be specific. Do not beat around the bush and pussy foot around the issues. State that his behavior is not only making her uncomfortable and making it impossible to perform her job satisfactorily, but that she considers his behavior threatening and harrassing.

c) make an appointment with a lawyer who specializes in employment law. This is a highly specialized field and she will want someone who knows what they are doing. While she may not have a cause of action at this point, they can certainly guide her in what to do or say to protect herself from this nuisance.

d) ask for a transfer and if this is not possible, dust off her resume. Chances are if she continues to complain, her boss and/or her company will take retaliatory action, including discipline up to and including termination. It is far easier to obtain a new job while employed than unemployed. 

Many people work in states where employment is "at will", which essentially means that you can be fired for almost any reason at all including the fact that your boss doesn’t like you. What you can’t be fired for is belonging to a protected class. In other words, gender, age, race, religion as well as a few others. Only an attorney can really help you determine if your situation has a legal remedy and so it is something that shouldn’t be ignored. For most of us, we work because we have to and the last thing anyone needs, particularly in this economy, is to face this sort of stress in the workplace. Most of us are replaceable and most companies are aware of this fact. It is critical to know your rights and responsibilities and ensure the company also stands up and protects you from anyone who makes it impossible to carry out your duties effectively.

One last note, the word harrassment has become very overused in recent years. The legal definition of harrassment is somewhat different from what we think of as harrassment. Sometimes, rude and vulgar behavior is just that, and a firm but polite rebuke is all that is necessary. Unfortunately, it is not against the law to have a jerk for a boss. In the letter above, I would say her situation is far different and she may have a boss with an unhealthy interest in her and she needs to take further protection to ensure it stop. Best of luck to her.

Signed,

Works for an employment attorney.