LW1

What is with people beliieving that they must allow unkind or toxic people in their lives just because they share a family tree? 

In my experience, unkind and toxic people continue to be so, despite our wishes they would change. Those are character traits, cultivated by a lifetime of choices and inner thoughts.

Do you normally meet a horrid person and think, "Hmmm…I should go get my child so he can meet this person too. Then this person could be horrid around my precious son. Great idea."  Doubt it.

Bluntly if your husband, to whom this man is kin, has zero regrets about shutting the man out of his life….why should you? Doesn’t your husband know this man far better than you do? 

You are trying to project someone else’s concerns and worries into this. Who told you that you and your husband and your son would one day feel regret over a lost toxic relationship?

I tell you from my own experience that your problem is this: Deep inside, you cannot imagine shutting your own parents out of your life. You are projecting the regret you’d feel if that happened in your family onto your spouse and his father. Get this through your mind: his family isn’t like yours. It wouldn’t happen in yours. You cannot compare apples and oranges which is what you are doing. 

Remind yourself that if this is the route your husband has chosen to use to manage his father, then it is good enough for you. After all, don’t you trust your husband’s judgment?

Wow…just wow.

LW1

Wow. It’s a shame any old fool can get pregnant.

LW2

Wow….it’s a shame you get your feelings "hurt" so easily. Sure would hate to see how you react to a real problem.

nint that it was an out of line request, and curtail any future requests. 

Try to envision the word "hint". :)

LW1

I would not lie, but I also don’t buy into a snarky response. My response would be, "Jane, I need to be honest with you: we like Steve, but we are not close enough friends with him to put up a $300 contribution. It’s always good to see him when we do of course, but we will not be able to participate in this event."

The reason I’d do this is to avoid lying, nint that it was an out of line request, and curtail any future requests. 

Though I agree that it’s not the money (it could be a $25 request and it would still be rude), it is indeed about the money in a way—specifically that it is an over-the-top amount. The amount just adds insult to the injury of asking others to foot the hostess’ bills. 

I think too that it goes beyond just naivete. I would say that this lady is indeed brazen enough just figure that since she’s heard of this sort of thing, since it would make her life easier, and since there’s no "harm" in asking—-why not….. I don’t buy for a second that she doesn’t know better—-she just doesn’t care. She has nothing to lose.

LW2

In my humble opinion, you know about as much about this man as you ever will, especially if you live with him (which it sounds like). I’d say, between the foot-dragging over 11 years, and the current character flaws over which you are expressing concern, marriage may not be the best thing here. You could always just continue to date. Truthfully though, if you think he’s weak and intellectually unstimulating, why are you still there?

Agreed. The big issue here is that he has asked twice to do something that is way out of her interest range. The first time she said "no" should have been enough. "No" means no at our house, whether it is about buying a flat screen TV, bringing home another cat, or engaging in funky intimate behavior!

It really disgusts me that his attitude suggests zero respect for the feelings of either woman. Where the hell did he get the idea that two women friends are capable of just up and deciding to have sex??? I don’t think most people go about having sex with friends just to please their spouse’s libido.

We have to assume that he really wasn’t like that before,because she was upfront about that; after 8-ish years of what the author describes as a good marriage, I’d think that he ought to know better. Doesn’t he know his wife well enough to know better than to make that particular request? It’s not like he just met her yesterday.

In addition, if the man feels the need to spice it up a bit, there are a hell of a lot of levels they could try between plain ol’ vanilla and bringing another human being into the bedroom.   Geez, talk about from zero to sixty.

If I were her, I’d spell it out: "Honey, if you ever, ever suggest or bring anything like that up again….that will indeed be the end of our marriage. Think long and hard before you answer me, because there is only one right answer here."

I am a bit apalled that her reaction to him the first time wasn’t strong enough to put the hammer down on his foolishness. Damn—-I’d have made sure that subject didn’t come up again if it were me in her shoes.

I agree, Karen. An adult who will cry at the drop of a hat over differing opinions needs to learn some self-control. My MIL is bad about doing this. She has done this since my husband was in middle school in order to get him to do what she wanted. He’s told me about times she cried to coerce him to attend the birthday party of her friend’s teenager (with whom he was not pals) or cried to keep him from going out with freinds to a pizza joint after work.

At the age of 18 when he left home, he decided not to give in to that anymore. He began to say to her, "Sorry, but tears won’t work. You don’t get your way just because you cry." She tried it when we were first married and I had to tell her, "Hey, I care for you, but you won’t do this to manipulate me either!"

A few months ago, he finally had to cut ties with her for a while. She is 62 years old and still does not have control of herself.

I agree, Belinda. In fact, I don’t think mom is being very honest in her letter. However, I think mom is not aware of her own dishonestly. I think mom indeed is a big part of the problem. I think mom can’t see her own forest for her own trees, but then if she could there wouldn’t be any issues.

I personally think that it might be good for them not to visit for awhile. Perhaps just emails or phone conversations would be best. I also bet that one of those other sisters already knows exactly why li’l sis and mom can’t get along.The other siblings have probably just stayed out of the fray on purpose.

(I live in the still racist south)

How curious….I live in the south too, but I’ve found that the south does not have the monopoly on racism. I really, really hate when people feel the need to stick both "south" and "racism" in the same sentence as if they are automatic collocations. I think most of my coworkers in our very diverse school would find your comment as rude as I do. 

LW1

Yep…you are right people ought not say everything they think aloud. My general rule is to not comment on people’s reproductive status at all. I figure it’s really none of my business what others do. I think part of the problem is some of our society at large’s attitude about having children. People assume too much. People assume that every couple is supposed to have kids, that every couple wants a boy, that a woman must be sad if they don’t have children, that every kid needs a sibling, etc. It sure would be easier if people didn’t treat real life like a sit-com. It’s not one-size fits all.

LW 2

 Wow, I’m with the others…..he will likely love again, but you haven’t inspired him to. Feel free to search for a fellow that will be inspired by you.
Unlike some here though, I won’t imply that he is using you. If you two are over the age of 21 and you want to have an intimate relationship, that is really your prerogative. People are intimate all the time without making long-term promises, so I don’t think he is using you any more than you are using him for all practical purposes. The way I see it, he’s been open with you about his intentions, and you have decided to hang around on purpose. I’m not seeing misuse there on his part. 

LW1

I would say that this marriage has chronic problems that are of a caliber for a full-blown psychiatrist/psychologist/family counselor. I’m not sure there’s an answer to fix this. This lady put up with an alchoholic husband for years, gave him permission to do something she wasn’t really okay with, and now is upset because her husband blew his end of a really dysfunctional bargain. Wow. All I can say is that I’m glad I’m not her. Right about the time I think I’m an idiot…..along comes one who puts me to shame….

LW2

Many marriages that do well for the long term have this in common: the partners maintain friendships that are mature, emotionally balanced, and have boundaries that are comfortable to the people in the marriage. When a level of discomfort exists between partners over secretive friendships with others…well, time to reevaluate what those secretive friendships bring to the table as far as value. If I were that husband, I’d ask myself which was more important to me: building a future with my wife, or having special friends on the side. Which is going to bring him what he wants in the grand scheme? 

I heartily agree with you, Anne. It is not about lying—it’s about being a private person. Just because people ask about your relationships does not mean that you must answer. Sex and intimacy are quite personal matters and not open to all who want to know. It doesn’t make one a liar to say "no" when someone is being too curious. Why? Because there’s no right answer to satisfy nosey people. As Anne said, if you say, "None of your business", the result is likely to be that the person comes up with a scenerio that isn’t accurate. Better to shut ‘em down in the first place with a sound "no" than to sound defensive or tell them something you didn’t want them to know.

When more than two people know something, it’s no longer secret or very private. I agree as well that her past is none of his business beyond health and safety disclosures if necessary. 

LW 2

Return it. It means more to the mom than it does to you. She didn’t do anything wrong in the breakup. Perhaps next time she won’t let him use her ring. That would be wise.

We seem to want to adore her for staying with an adulterous husband who has repeatedly dishonored her publicly.

Who does? Not me! The first thing I said to my spouse was, "She needs to kick his sorry butt to the curb". I DO NOT have any regard for her, mainly due to that. We all know she stood by him for one reason only: what she could get out of the deal. She weighed her odds and decided that putting up with him was the best way to stay in politics. Notice you never hear about him anymore, but she’s still doing her thing…..

Often times when we are being abused, we don’t realize it’s abuse until we’re in so deep it’s tough to see our way out of it.

Well said, Kelli—-especially when it is emotional abuse. We all know what physical abuse looks like and we all know it is wrong. I remember when I was married to my ex, years ago. He was so emotionally mean and vindictive, that I actually found myself wishing he’d smack me, because THEN I’d have a "real" reason to leave. How f-ed up is that??? I look back and can’t believe I’d let myself sink into such a low existence. I had lost all value on my own decision making. I didn’t trust my own feelings.

When I say this, I mean by it that I didn’t think anyone would believe what I was going through daily. I thought people would laugh or brush me off, or try to convince me it was just normal male/female problem when I tried to explain his emotional abuse.  I didn’t realize that emotional abuse alone was enough reason to leave.

Glad you made it out too, Kelli. My life is wonderful now! Hope yours is.

 This is a volatile connection and should be severed immediately. We’ve all met the cads and playboys, but we don’t marry them!

Right on, Sura! I wouldn’t waste a moment more trying to rehabilitate that dude. I’d find a place to stay, take a day off work, and move my butt out while he was away from the house.