Regarding the first letter, although I acknowledge and appreciate the wisdom of Margo’s words, I have a few different thoughts on the subject that I’d like to share.  This letter hits home for me because my best friend started an online affair, and sparing the details of years of mistakes including a physical affair, accidental pregnancy, and now marriage falling apart, I’ll just summarize that she’s made a mess of her life and the lives of her children.

First, to state the obvious, having an affair is not the answer to an unhappy marriage.  An unhappy marriage needs to either be fixed or ended, and, as I sadly observed with my friend, if you spend all your energy and emotion having an affair (online, in person, emotional, or whatever variaty), you don’t have the energy or emotion to fix your marriage.

Second, the letter-writer and "Sean" both betrayed their wedding vows and their families by having this affair.  How will they ever be able to trust each other?  And how can they have a good relationship if they can’t trust each other?

Third, I agree with the other posters who’ve said that the letter-writer has been very selfish, narcisistical, and irresponsible.  Notice that her question to Margo seems to be approximately "which guy should i be with?" 

Letter Writer:  YOU need to do some serious soul-searching.  YOU need to admit that what you did was WRONG.  YOU need to feel REMORSE.  YOU need to figure out WHY you decided that having an affair was somehow justified, WHY you put your desires above the welfare of your marriage, husband, and 3 children, and HOW you’re going to change your attitudes/behaviors so that you don’t destroy your next relationship and so that you can be a better parent. 

And Letter Writer, I’m afraid this might not be a popular opinion, but you aren’t divorced yet, so YOU also need to answer the question you asked Margo - Which guy do YOU want to be with?  Do you still love your husband?  Were there real problems in the marriage, or was it just boredom as you suggested?  If, after your soul-searching, you find that you regret your mistakes and want to be with your husband, then you need to end your relationship with "Sean" IMMEDIATELY and ask your husband if he will attend marriage counselling with you to try to work things out.  Will this be difficult or near-impossible?  Yes.  Because if you’re serious about fixing your marraige, then you will have to PERMANENTLY end things with "Sean"—absolutely NO CONTACT, not just keep him on the back burner in case things don’t work out with your husband, and you will have to take full responsibility for what you did to destroy your marriage, and you’ll have to find a way to convince your husband that you are sincere in your remorse and serious about not making the same mistakes again, and you will have to accept the possibility that at this point it may be too late: your husband may choose not to give you another chance. 

Anyway Letter Writer, that’s my opinion.  But if my best friend asks for my advice then refuses to listen, I suppose it’s silly for me to think my opinion would matter to you. 

Karleen, you crack me up.  Your posts are, by far, my favorite (even if I disagree sometimes).  I, also, have wondered how our scientific/medical advaces have disrupted the natural evolution of humanity.  Does that mean I think we should "[leave] disabled and/or disfigured newborns out in the wilderness to die of exposure", as one of the outraged replies to your post sarcastically suggested?  No.  Some of these babies grow to live fantastic and productive lives.  But others die young from continuted complications, or struggle all their lives with physical disabilities or learning disabilities or emotional difficulties, and it makes me wonder if we do the right thing by saving them.  I’m not saying I’m qualified to decide who lives or dies, nor do I want that responsibility, I’m only saying that I worry if we’re doing the right thing.

And Karleen, I also have absolutely no allergies, and good general health despite my lazy habits.  I like children, and would like to have one or two with my fiance (later on, after i finish school and we’re married).  Then I start thinking—-ideally, the kids would have my good health, high intelligence, blonde hair, and lack of allergies, and his height, physical-sports-abilities, and easy-going nature.  But what if instead they come out with his terrible seasonal allergies, his allergy to penicillin, his family’s obesity issues, and my severe bi-polar disorder?  I will love them no matter how they turn out, but is it responsible of me to take that chance? 

I was hoping to come up with something clever to make you smile, Karleen, since you made me smile, but no dice… Have a good weekend!

Teresa, I’m not sure about the custody rules in other states, or even all parts of the state of Texas, but I do know that in all the cases I know of (my fiance’s divorce, his brother’s divorce, my older brother’s divorce, my older sister’s divorce) the courts called it "joint custody" but in reality it meant that the mother got the kids most of the time, and the mother got to make decisions about education, healthcare, activities, and discipline.  The fathers in all these cases see the kids Thursdays nights, 1st 3rd and 5th weekends, and one month during the summer.  The fathers also pay about 30% of their gross income in child support.  None of these cases involved abuse or addiction.  As for affairs, in one of the four mentioned relationships the father was having an affiar, in another the mother decided she just didn’t want to be married anymore, and in the other two the mother had an affair then took the kids and left to live with her "new man."  My brother fought like hell to get custody of his kids and lost for no reason that anyone, even his lawyer, could figure out, and then a few years later had to fight again (which cost outrageous amounts of money) when his exwife announced that she and the kids were moving to San Francisco (from Houston Texas) to be with her boyfriend—-luckily my brother won that fight and she wasn’t allowed to move the kids that far away.  My fiance’s exwife had multiple affairs, took the kids when she left, and the above custody arrangement was all my fiance could get even despite the fact that he was the primary caregiver for the children and his exwife was on probation and had spent 2+ weeks in jail during the pregnancy of their second child for skipping out on her probation (she lied to him that she had completed probation). 

I’m not saying i know how to fix the system, but i do know it’s BROKEN.

To the people who’ve said that letter-writer #1 should get a divorce, that the kids are affected by living in the bad marriage—-I agree that the kids are affected, and that this is not the ideal situation, but if he gets a divorce and doesn’t get custody, or gets the bogus "joint-custody" arrangement i described above, what happens to the kids?  In the portion of the letter Margo printed the letter-writer doesn’t specifically say that the mother mis-treats the kids, but he does sign his letter "Just protecting my kids."  I think he should consult a lawyer who is a specialist in his area and find out what custody is usually awarded.  And if he does decide to get a divorce, as so many people here recommend, i think he should start taking his children to a psychiatrist/counsellor/social worker NOW, so that someone qualified will know what’s really going on and can testify for the best interests of the children.  And if he decides to hold off until the kids are grown, i still recommend that both he and his children attend counselling, and I wish him the best of luck.

Letter#1:  I agree that the father has unrealistic advice, and that he probably needs a counsellor (or at least someone other than his wife) to explain it to him.  I agree with Margo and the other posters here that have said step-mom needs to take her time, be herself, and not force herself on the child.  I also agree that there should be daddy-daughter time where step-mom is not around, because the child needs to see that she hasn’t lost her father. 

I’ve been dating my fiance for almost 2 years, and although I have been blessed to have a good relationship with his two daughters (ages 5 & 10), they live primarily with their mother and I can tell when their mother is in a bad mood because the girls act differently towards me when they come over.  Usually they want hugs the instant I get home from work, so when they ignore me I know something’s wrong at home.  Sometimes it takes all the patience and self-control I have, but I make sure I always tell them hello and how glad I am to see them, and then I leave them alone until they warm back up a bit.  I know their mother doesn’t like me; I didn’t meet my fiance until 7 months after his divorce, so I don’t know exactly why she has such a problem with me, but I suspect it might be jealosy—-I’m 7 years younger, working a job and finishing my college degree, and she refers to me as "miss high-and-mighty college student." 

The new method I’ve been trying these last few months, and that I recommend the letter-writer try with her step-daughter to diffuse the tension the mom is creating: "kill her with kindness."  I don’t have any direct interactions with the girls’ mother, but I’ve been trying to remember to say prayers with the girls each night and include "God bless Mama."  If they’re wearing something particularly cute when they come over I compliment the outfit and say something nice like "I like that dress. Did your Mama get you that cute dress?"  When they complain about something their Mama won’t let them do or made them do, if it’s something I agree with I let them know, for example: "Your Mama is right, you’re not old enough to see that movie."  If they complain that things are different at their Mama’s house, I try to say something like "Your Mama is in charge at her house, but over here your Daddy and I are in charge, and this is how we do things here."  Is my new method working?  I don’t know, but I think it’s what’s best for the girls.  In the short-term, it makes things go smoother and it makes me feel good to turn everything positive. In the long-term, I believe the girls and I will become even more close as they grow to appreciate my honesty, positive attitude, and supportiveness.  Sadly, they may grow apart from their mother if she continues to be bitter and petty and continues to lie.

Chuck - Margo said "…a young woman of my acquaintance who was 13 when her 80-year-old father died."  If she was 13 when she made the statement about geezers, then I would agree with you.  However, Margo described her as a "young woman," so she could be still a teen, but she could easily be anywhere from 20 to 35 (my mother would describe a 35-year-old as a "young woman").  If she’s in her 20’s or 30’s and is still adamant that "geezers" shouldn’t have children, maybe there is more logic and substance to her story (though perhaps not).  But I’m positive that Margo wouldn’t be quoting 13-year-old in pain; Margo wouldn’t share it with us if she didn’t think the woman’s opinion was worth considering.