Actually, C., that is exactly what you said, although I was paraphrasing and not quoting you directly. The question of what you would do if the situation were reversed was posed to you, and you still showed an apalling lack of sympathy.

How on earth do you justify saying the woman had panic attacks, the mother grinned, and "everything else above and beyond that is what people are adding to the story and making up"? The woman herself said in her letter, "I am literally nauseated due to the mental and physical abuse he put me through while we were married."

That is the situation you were asked to think of your daughter in, and therefore it is reasonable to think it is the situation you were referring to when you answered the question. If you did not read the letter or the responder’s question clearly and your response was inappropriate even to your sensibilities, that is something for which you and only you are responsible.

I read into things what others put into them. If you don’t want others to read your unsympathetic, holier-than-thou remarks as such, perhaps you shouldn’t make them. If I point out that your unsympathetic, holier-than-thou remarks are such, you have every legal right to complain but absolutely no moral or ethical right to.

I’m sure you’ll probably respond to this with some more nonsensical accusations. That’s your right. I, however, am finished responding to your responses; I have better things to do with my time than engage in flame throwing with someone too emotional to throw straight.

"technically"

and

"with crackers"

Geez!

Since an advice columnest may very well take a letter writer at his or her word unless the letter contains obvious red flags, of course the advice to this letter would be different.

Simply put, if the mother is being honest, the theoretical daughter who wrote your sample letter is being deliberately misleading. Describing an abusive household with fighting and bitterness may techinically be truthful but is far from honest. It is just as misleading as saying someone is a bad cook when what you mean is that he or she opens up cans of Alpo and dishes them out as crackers as shepherd’s pie.

You may have the right to complain if I say anything untrue. You may also have the right to complain, though that is debatable, if I say anything unprovoked.

However, it is absolutely true that I am glad that you are not my mother. The reason for this? You said that you would, in fact, urge your daughter to spend time with one who abused her if 14 years had passed. That, surely, qualifies as a provocative statement. 

So there you have it. I was both provoked and entirely honest in my response.

Instead of getting your feelings hurt by a stranger on the Internet, why not take some time to rationally correct me on the points I made in my argument? I don’t think that you can do so with anything resembling a psychologically sound argument, but it is certainly your right to try - and it is far more productive than ranting and demanding that I not offer an honest opinion (that again, was provoked by the insensitivity of your own statements) on a public forum.

Not to put to fine a point on it, but I’m really glad you’re not my mother.

NO ONE else gets to decide how much trauma someone else feels and how fast they should heal. Frankly, it sounds as if this mother HAS healed - she’s gone on to have a happy life and she’s willing to compromise with the daughter. Did you miss the part about offering to arrive before or after the ex? The daughter is pigheaded and selfish, and I would cut someone who didn’t have any compassion for me out of my life.

Choosing to spend your time with those who have a positive impact on your life. That’s how you heal. Forgiveness doesn’t have a darn thing to do with continuing to subject yourself to negativity.

Maybe your experience is truly different from so many others in the world. If you’ve really, really dealt with things instead of just burying them, kudos to you. If you can socialize with people who’ve treated you reprehensibly, even better - if that’s what you’re into. But don’t judge others so harshly because they can’t do the same. After all, not everyone is cut out to be Gandhi, Mother Teresa, or you.

"Stunning Swedish boys who sell saunas but, well, sell saunas."

Sounds a bit like the author could learn "a thing or 900 about tolerance."

Geez, one’s career isn’t the only way one demonstrates accomplishment. I’ve always found one’s character to be a better measure.

Once in a department store, I saw a couple I recognized but could not place - so I decided to fake it. "Hi!" I said with a big smile. "How are you?" We chatted, and all was well until I introduced them to my son; at that point, their expressions told me something was wrong.

It wasn’t until my son and I were leaving that I realized they’d been his karate instructors several months before.

Also, I was once published in a journal A.D. Winans had had some poems in the issue before. I was so excited! I thought that gave me license to look him up and message him through MySpace. I did, and he was very gracious. We emailed back and forth a few times. I sent him links to the poems of mine that were out online, and … nothing. I guess he follows the old "if you can’t say anything nice … " rule. I’m a big admirer of his work, so I found it quite embarrassing that he didn’t care for mine.