Christine, I’m so sorry for your pain both physical and emotional.  Your story highlighs  that often impersonal government does an inadequate job with it’s one-size fits all solutions.  People need more personal support, a more customized approach that helps them meet their physical, social and spiritual needs.  People need love and encouragement and we can’t reasonably expect government to provide those either.

I have an adult widowed handicapped brother.   He gets some money from government, but he also has a full time job.  In the past, most of his emotional support came from his family, and as we have moved to different towns, support has come from his church.  They provide him with rides, and sometimes meals, home visits, and social opportunities. 

Churches often help people during the holiday season with gifts and meals.  I know through our church we provide both members and non-members with full Christmases including meals.  But the effort is not limited to the holidays, rather we have an entire self-reliance system that helps people get back on their feet, financially, physically and emotionally.  It includes a "bishop’s storehouse" of food, where individuals can "shop" for groceries for free.  It is stocked and maintained by other church members who are asked to fast, for 2 meals every months, and then donate the money they would have spent on that food to the church.  This is how we have the resources to feed the poor.  It’s good for the waistline, too.

People need love, and a customized approach offered by caring people who will be supportive, and stay connected.  Where a purely economic solution approach often falls short is that it usually doesn’t address the underlying social mores that allowed the poverty, corruption, and family disintegration to take hold in the first place.  Improve the family finances, but if mom or dad is drinking the profits, or spending them on an adulterous affair, or on drugs, or the family is broken up through divorce so money is spread over two households, it’s like drilling holes in the bottom of a bathtub.  

Self-esteem is important, but only as an intervening variable, since it’s been found that some of the most committed criminals have very high rates of self-esteem - but they have used it for nefarious purposes.  Intergity, trust, and respect have been shown to play significant roles in economic sustainability:

"In a recent working paper (Tabellini 2007), I argue that to answer this question we have to look beyond pure economic incentives, and think about other factors motivating individual behaviour. One of these factors is morality. Conceptions of what is right or wrong, and of how one ought to behave in specific circumstances, exert a strong influence on behavioural aspects that directly affect economic outcomes."

Christine, you may already know of a church to which you can turn, or I can give you some specific instructions of how to find one.  I’ll check back to see if you want that additional advice.  

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Cary, Cary, Cary Grant will be forever the gold standard by which other leading men are compared.  He was warm, clever, athletic, impertinent, saavy, gracious, and a good-egg.  

George, by comparison, is cool to the point of cold.  (I wouldn’t be suprised that he also believe like WC Fields that:

 "Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again."

It’s suprising that a cerebral introvert decided to become an actor.  I think lonely ship captain is a much better fit.

Putting on warm clothes right from the dryer.  Drinking hot cups of Ovaltine.  Watching NCIS TV marathons in bed.  Snuggling in bed with my little children when I could be up attacking my mountain of laundry.  Lying in bed dreaming of soft white sandy beaches and zephyr breezes.  Re-reading Nancy Drew books - haven’t done that in a while. 

I see many stereotypes about Mormons on this thread.  I am LDS (Mormon) and my close friend, Charlotta is a nuclear physicist, mid thirties married to a great guy.  My LDS mentor, Karen,  is a sex therapist, and family counselor, who works with gay and straight and does NOT try to change anyone.  Here’s a sample of a recent LDS Brigham Young University Graduate:

 

After participating in BYU commencement this week, soon-to-be BYU graduate Steffanie Kuehn will head to Columbia University with a $320,000 scholarship to develop ways for devices to interact with the brain.

Kuehn, who is earning a BYU degree in electrical engineering, will pursue an all-expenses-paid Ph.D. in biomedical engineering. She turned down comparable offers from Harvard and UC-Berkeley.

She was similarly accomplished coming out of high school in Gilbert, Ariz. With a perfect 1600 on the SAT and a 4.0 GPA, she had her pick of universities, but decided to come to BYU.

 More…

http://news.byu.edu/archive09-Apr-steffaniekuehn.aspx

 

 

Kate in an extrovert who figured out a way to give her kids better than average experiences and opportunities.  Instead of "selective reduction" or killing off a few, she chose to sacrifice her own comfort, give birth to all of them, and then figure out how to make it all work.  If people think it’s so bad for the kids, why don’t they make the same complaint about the Duggars who are all growing up in front of the cameras too? 

I say Good for Kate, and the rest of America gets to see what middle class parenting is like.  I’m sure there is a whole demographic that finds explaing consequences to children, and putting them on time-out - completely novel ideas!

(I was horrified listening to Chris Rock describing the beatings that black parents give their children, compared to white parents who make suggestions for better behavior.  The crowd was laughing hysterically, but I was appalled.)

We’ve had a teenager at our local high school die this last week from the flu.  He was completely healthy, developed symptoms on Friday, ran a high fever and was hospitalized with seizures, and was dead by Sunday.  

The hand sanitizer at the table seems a bit much.  I don’t like the smell either.  Everyone should just have excused themselves after ordering, and washed their hands in the ladies’ room.  That used to be called "freshening up."

Saving marriage….it’s something I’ve studied, and believe in, because most people want their relationships to improve at some point.  Most people, especially women make an enormous investment in the relationship, and when it’s painful and disappointing, they often don’t know what to do.  It’s suffering, but often unnecessary.

"Saving marriage," is really an educational approach to support, marriage, preferably BEFORE the problems have set in.  Part of the mission is raising a new generation of young people that value marriage, understand it’s benefits and limitations, and learn to avoid avoidable stressors, like affairs, debt, and addictions.  Marriage statistically is very beneficial to children, scholastic achievement, neighborhood stability, crime rates….and on and on.  It has a domesticating effect on men that really keeps a check on male aggression while motivating men to achieve, and succeed.  

As social science research data and government surveys increasingly show, the decline in marriage since the 1960s has been accompanied by a rise in a number of serious social problems. Children born out of wedlock or whose parents divorce are much more likely to experience poverty, abuse, and behavioral and emotional problems, have lower academic achievement, and use drugs more often. Single mothers are much more likely to be victims of domestic violence. With the rise in these problems comes high program costs to deal with the effects of the breakdown of marriage.

For children whose parents remain married, however, the benefits are real. Adolescents from these families have been found to have better health and are less likely to be depressed, are less likely to repeat a grade in school, and have fewer developmental problems. The implications of such mounting evidence for social policy are immense. Too many welfare programs continue to undermine marriage among the poor and must be reevaluated. 

http://www.heritage.org/research/features/marriage/index.cfm 

Serial cheaters are borderline sociopaths having absolutely no empathy for those whom they will disappoint or devastate. 

What is of greatest interest to me, is the self-deception by the cheaters.  Every day they lied to themselves and said they would not get caught, and the consequences wouldn’t be as hurtful as they have been.  They become delusional living in a mirage of their lying beliefs. And they lie thousands of times to enable their behaviors.  It’s really a personality disorder, difficult to change, and makes the person COMPLETELY untrustworthy in every other area….remember how Bill cheated on the USA by pardonng Marc Rich for big bucks.   

I would have loved to have ignored Bill Clinton’s tacky affair, and Hillary’s tragic enabling, however, it all came to light because Bill had been legally accused of sexually assaulting Paula Jones, a state employee, when he exposed his genitals to her in the workplace - without her permission.  Monica was evidence of Bill’s pattern of workplace improprieties.  (The irony is that we have put Hillary in charge of snooping out which countries are cheating on their nuclear agreements - and she hasn’t figured that out either).

These leaders and celebrities enable others to commit behavior by offering a rationale - remember all the articles on the increase in oral sex in junior high since the Clinton scandals, and kids stating that they learned that oral sex isn’t sex, and calling it a Lewinsky.  Sexual promescuity and infideity is a public health issue.

Speaking of dirty sex, did anyone else see the website called Sex Degrees of Separation

"

It’s important to be aware of your sexual health. Cases of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are on the up. Chlamydia alone increased by eight per cent between 2006 and 2008. If you do not practice safe sex you are putting yourself at risk of contracting an STI.

You may have heard of Six Degrees of Separation. It’s the idea that we’re all just six connections away from everyone else on the planet. This is the inspiration for Sex Degrees of Separation. By answering the questionnaire below we will be able to calculate the number of indirect (and direct) sexual partners you have had, going back six degrees of separation.

The calculator is not a diagnostic tool but does highlight how exposed you can be to STIs if you do not practice safe sex. If you are concerned about your sexual health you can either talk to your GP, pharmacist or visit your local GUM clinic. Information regarding a range of sexual health issues can be found via the menu on the left-hand side of the page.

http://calculators.lloydspharmacy.com/sexdegrees/

 

I tend to put great emphasis on how a person spends their leisure time - self involved vs. helping others AND the quality of his sense of humor.  If the humor is grim sarcastic, and beastial - I shy away.

Also, I look for white lies.  If the person comfortably reveals their little white lies, I make a mental note:  untrustworthy!

Last but not least, contempt.  If the person is prone to express contempt or disgust for many people places or things - the person is far too toxic for me to tolerate on a regular basis.

Things I prefer in another person include:  warmth, radiance, trustworthiness, respect, graciousness, clever sense of humor, love of children, love of animals, financial maturity, spirituality, intellectual capacity,  love of serving others, …..(and since all these things describe my spouse, lets just throw in sexual prowess and call it a day)

This is my favorite horror topic.  I am writing a book on child awareness - as in "where is the little darling now?"  Horror stories for parents to read out loud.  There is so much to be learned from many of these scenarios, for example:

 1) Backing out of the driveway needs to be a two adult process - just like it takes a person on the ground to help a pilot back an airplane out of the gate.  One person must be in complete physical control of the child while the other parent is pulling away.  I used to stand in the window with my children,  "Wave goodbye to Daddy."  Otherwise in the DOZENS of stories I’ve read, in blink of an eye, that child can end up behind the car - crushed, and just as dead as if an airplane had run over her.  

 2) I call it The 5Layer Safety Burrito -  ( a take-off on Taco Bell’s 7 Layer Burrito).  There is nothing that can ruin a night’s sleep for me like reading the latest toddler horror story on the AP newswire.  The stories get forwarded to me via Google each evening.  Just this week, I read about the TWINS that drowned in their family pool.  The parents were responsible, but the mother had fallen asleep and the two year olds had been playing tea party, and needed water, and had managed to get the pool gate open.   The mother commented that some comments from people had been vicious.  Those nasty comments are a defense mechanism that people use to make themselves feel impervious to this type of tragedy.  In reality, toddlers are the ultimate Houdinis.  My 5 layer pool safety recommendations include:

A.  A wrist device on the child that detects moisture:  Wristband sets off an alarm that can be heard both inside and outside the house.  We use "Pool Turtles."

B.  A wave detector that floats on the pool surface:  It can be set to a very sensitive setting, so that even a small child slipping in will set off the alarm.

C. A pool fence: Minimum 5 foot high fence with self closing gate (automatic pool covers also work) AND

D. A lock, a lock, a lock with a KEY on the self-closing gate.  The twins slipped through the self-closing gate. In my own case, after my son stood on a chair and opened the pool gate to get the ball in the pool, the baby walked in behind him, and fell in.  A minute later they were both standing in my kitchen dripping wet, as the 5 year old explained how he had to rescue the baby from the pool.  After that, not only did I lock the gate, I wore the key around my neck.  

E. Door alarms.  The alarm can go on the pool gate AND on  the house doors.  I have collected hundreds of stories of children slipping out of the house , during nap time, in the middle of the night, barefoot in snow storms, and in my two year old son’s case, in a gothic lightening  thunderstorm. He walked 3/4 of a mile to the neighbors, at night, on a country road to mail letters.  He walked through the bear infested woods, next to a rain swollen raging river,and then over a bridge.  I had to explain to a 24 year old social worker why we didn’t know he left the house after he had been put to bed.  Here’s the funny thing:  he was afraid of the dark, and wouldn’t even walk up to bed without a sibling holding his hand - but that time, venturing out in the dead of night was no problem because he was determined to mail his sisters letters that he had spotted on her nightstand.  

My husband is a survival instructor who trains people to avoid and survive the scariest situations.  But when  I follow him around the house, saying:  Listen to this story.  He covers his ears and says - Stop I can’t take it anymore.   Then we both have nightmares.  

The important thing to remember is that every parent needs a SYSTEM of awareness to keep track of the child that DOESN"T rely on just the parent or caregiver keeping an "EYE" on the child.  Attention diverts and fractures, and time distorts - we think we looked away for a moment but those seconds are enough to allow a complete escape.   

(If anyone can recommend a non-fiction book on writing I’d appreciate it.)   

Pedophiles should be punished for their behavior.  Seduciton and sex with a 13 year old is massively "pervie" and illegal as Bridget Jones would say.  The perp was so remorseful that he fled the country and took up with Natasha Kinskey - a 15 year old.  The guy was a predator, and we all know the cure rate for these types of predators is zero.  He obviously continued to be a menace to society by taking up with another underage child that he could exploit. 

He used the drugs to make her more pliable.  The fact that he got her to willingly take them should be held AGAINST him, not mitigate his behavior.