First, parties in my neck of the woods (NYC) do not cost $300 per head, but the matter is not money at all. It is this hostess’s assumption that she is behaving correctly. Frankness is needed here, so do tell her exactly what this problem is. No way should anyone, rich or poor, or just miffed by this awful invitation respond positively.

The 50 year old guy is in deep trouble; pity him.

 As for the about-to-be married couple of 11 years, nerves, facing the truth about a passive-aggressive man who avoids decisionmaking. What’s new? He won’t change; you wn’t change. So be it! You can marry or sustain your present relationshop. What does it matter? 

Marriage is political; either-or battles don’t work or succeed. Accept what you’ve got or move along, or forget about marrying.  The real question is: why marry?

Thank you, Phyllis, for responding. As you know, family relations are complicated and often puzzling. Conflicts  occur between siblings, fathers & sons, even cousins. It is part of family life, for we are not always compatible with members of our family.

Whatever the problems between my daughter and me are, I have to take the time and effort to remove myself from strife and discomfort, especially now that I am 80, have lived independently for more than 25 years, and now face medical issues. My daughter is the 2nd child, has always had issues with me, obvious to all who know us, and I realize I cannot change her atitude or behavior. But,I do have to take care of myself and avoid what is unpleasant or painful.

 Whatever the causes, they cannot be remedied now, for they are in the past, and my choice was to sever all contact (because her indifference is extreme) and not see my grandchildren, or continue seeing my grandchildren with whom I am close and try to minimize the unpleasntness. I chose the latter, because my grandchildren are very important to me.

 In all families, there are conflicting combinations of personalities, but I can’t focus on this one so that it destroys my equilibrium. We spend family gatherings, holidays, celebrations as  family , and occasionally we get together for no special reason, but I have had to give up any expectation that she and I will have an easy, enjoyable afternoon together, as many daughters and mothers do. 

I wrote this description of my daughter/mother relationship in response to the daughters who wrote and dissected their mothers’ personalities, and to remind daughters that they, too, have a responsibility in improving or maintaining connections with their mothers. And, as we elders say, the statute of limitations has expired, so I urge all daughters to  make an effort to be kind and generous. Your mother is the only one you’ve got! 

In my forties, I was in a  turbulent marriage, had 2 school-aged children, held a part-time college teaching job, and studied toward a doctorate; my mother sat in my living room. At 21, without parents, she had arrived in the US to begin working in a garment factory, had an arranged marriage, worked alongside my father in a small store, and she was the only survivor of her family by the time she was widowed at 58 and chose to remain alone in her home, depending on small  savings until S.S. kicked in with a tiny benefit, and now she was visiting her only child and 2 grandchildren.

 I was about to reply to her in my bitter, harsh voice when I paused. There sat my 5’1” mother, quietly looking at me, and I saw this tiny woman who depended on my hospitality. She was not that powerful figure I had quarreled with my entire life. Now, she depended on my invitations, giving no advice, bringing news that would not upset me, for she had  lost everyone, husband, friends, & neighbors.

 At that moment, I recognized that I had remained in that bubble of adolescence when every word she spoke irritated me, when I wanted to escape and start my life, and  she, a shrill diabetic depending  on insulin,  stood daily alongside her husband waiting on women customers pinching pennies, and she feared I’d make mistakes and bring shame to our home.

 I paused again, and somehow resolved that I would not reply rudely or dismiss what she had said. We were alike in many ways, stubborn, assertive women who took on many responsibilities, and we were impatient with each other. She always knew she could depend on me in matters of consequence, that I was practical and competent, and eventually I found  appropriate housing where she made friends in a supportive community, could speak her mother tongue, and her remaining years  were filled with friends. My children used to joke that her social life “nearly killed her.”

 So, now, I pause, awaiting my almost 50 year old daughter’s acknowledgment that I have no power over her, that she easily dismisses me, does not permit me to speak, and does not call or write or listen unless she needs help with childcare or to shop for her clothes, and her body language reveals her antagonism and disdain. There are  few visits when I am well or sick; there is no chatting or impromptu moments when she reaches out to say something kind though I have supported her decisions with money and encouragement, and I have taken care of her 2 boys at birth, and later, and when the children’s tantrums were unbearable, I’d invite my grandsons to spend time with me.

 As imperfect as I am, I am still here, and somehow, my daughter makes me feel that it would be more comfortable if I were not.

 So, when do daughters grow up and take responsibility for their attitudes and behavior? Is it better  to perpetuate the belief that mother is that disagreeable force who undermines everything said and done? Is there ever accommodation and generosity, or must it remain that meanspirited post-adolescent "winner take all mission "?

I was not writing about attire, but the covering of one’s head; I am aware of how diplomats who visit other countries dress, and often they remain in the clothing they wear in their own countries. For example Madame Pandit, if you remember her, always wore a sari here, though she represented her country. Actually, I am more than aware, but I did not want to reveal much about my family or experience. My husband was a diplomat at a South Asian embassy in Washington, and then transferred to NY to the consulate for many years, and we were part of the international community, and lived in the community originally built for consular and UN personnel when the UN was at Lake Success.

When serving the government while abroad one is instructed and alerted to the requirements in behavior, attire, and protocol of the host country; all nations do this. However, the subject at hand is Hilary Clinton’s wearing a head scarf, which is appropriate because it demonstrated her knowledge about the country she visited. It was not a sign of women’s subservience; subservience is universal, and there are many different clues depending on the culture. I did not use the word "emulate," because that is not the intention; it is respectful.

I used the word "colonial" because it is used throughout the world to refer to a powerful nation imposing rule, government, codes of behavior on another, and in many places, the U.S. is considered a colonial power; when Americans appear in outlandish clothing in a conservative culture, what results? How are we perceived? Diplomats, everywhere, are aware that they represent their own nation and are careful about how they are perceived, and it is not a sign of weakness or emulation. It demonstrates a recognition that cultures vary and have different codes of behavior, and we are not there to impose our own. For example, if we are asked to remove our shoes at the door, we do it; if we are asked to cover our arms and not expose our thighs, we do it.If Hilary Clinton visits the Pope, she will cover her shoulders and hair as a mark of respect; she does not have to wear a crucifix, as one writer on this website mentioned.

However, Americans and others who tour other countries often wear inappropriate clothng; they may do as they wish, though it is recommended they  learn about  the countries they visit before assuming that what is worn here, shorts and sleeveless tops, is suitable elsewhere. It is a sign of courtesy.

 Here, the distinctions are about western and non-western cultures, but the statements I’ve read demonstrate little knowledge about how others live; writers seem to lump "others" together, instead of acknowledging that within most religions there are great differences because of culture. Also, here in the US, there are many cultures, and we seem to speak only of one culture; for example, I was taught to cover my head during religious occasions, but nowadays, it is not required. In some places in the US, men and women cover their heads, but on this website that plurality is never mentioned; I’m American born, and I have obsvered the many differences. So, who speaks for whom?

 Again, international protocol is maintained so that government representatives can communicae with each other in a respectful manner, and this time Hilary Clinton alerted the international community that she knows how to do it. 

Belinda,

I wish you had picked better examples of exemplary former First Ladies; Nancy Reagan is elderly now and requires respect, but as a First Lady, she was not exactly gifted or well-informed. Her focus on Ronny, and her glass-eyed approach kept us all wondering what was in her head. As for Barbara Bush, her insensitivity and awful attitude toward the public remains; no one would wish to be like these women, as well as Pat Nixon, that silent, sad person. I don’t require our leaders to resemble me & how I live, I require brains, sensitivity, a sense of responsibility, and a caring about the public, as  well as character. Michelle Obama represents that for me, and I am her mother’s age. Those who minimize her education and the story of her life either fear people like her or cannot accept the fact that we are no longer inspired by First Ladies who are merely decorative and clinging, and busy with choosing the drapes, and  busy with quiet hobbies. Michelle Obama is a symbol of a new type of woman who has her own career, an excellent education, an understanding of her role in present times, and obviously an awareness of those around her. She is a role model for all women, whatever background or race, and I hope that young women whose vocabulary is based on pop culture and using "like" in every sentence, pay close attention to our First Lady’s intelligent approach to important matters. She has cultivated her own interests, studied hard to achieve a profession, married someone with whom she shares much, and conducts herself with humor (missing in most First Ladies’ agendas), and remains connected to the world affairs.She gains our respect whether she is the First Lady or whether she is a woman with her own responsibilities and accomplishments; to me, that is the modern woman, and those of us who are mothers and grandmothers of women, hope they follow suit. "The Little Women" parade of First Ladies is passe. Bravo (& relief).

Sorry, it has nothing to do with the war or our delicate relationship with Muslims. It is part of being a diplomat in a foreign country and representing one’s country. Joan is not correct, she is misguided. Wherever diplomats go, the observe the customs of the culture they visit. 

 Wearing a head  scarf does not show subservience; it shows respect, and somehow demonstrates that world contains many cultures and practices, not only American. Otherwise, we’d be the colonial power we are accused of being, eh!

Actually, as a visitor here and abroad, I have never been obligated to kneel in any religious meeting or building, and I have visited many different religious institutions and homes. As a guest, no one is required to kneel; however, covering one’s head is obligatory in many instances, because it is a sign of respect.

The  original criticism of Hilary Clinton was exceedingly arrogant and offensive and reveals a lack of knowledge about diplomacy. 

It is a sign of respect, not subservience. Men cover their heads in some cultures, as well. Somehow, Americans have difficulty understanding that bikinis, short sleeves, low cut dresses, and uncovered hair  are not acceptable in many places.

Of course, Mrs. Clinton would cover her  head and arms if she met the Pope; she is not required to wear a crucifix. Get over that careless and casual  American  point of view that everything we do is appropriate all over the world. It isn’t. 

As for the  remarks about covering one’s head, not only do Muslims do it, but other religions and cultures follow similar customs; covering one’s head is customary & respectful. Get a passport, leave your jeans &, sleeveless clothing behind, bring some skirts below the knees, and cover your shoulders, and visit  those many places; if you do, observe others, and try to  behave as they do, so perhaps we won’t be considered such awkward and rude  visitors. 

Hilary Clinton behaved appropriately and it was not a ruse to convince her hosts about anything. It demonstrates good manners! The diplomatic corps learns that before venturing abroad.

Indeed, Joan, I agree.

As I’ve mentioned before on this website, my children gave me an 80th birthday party this year, and I selected friends as guests, who were my children’s ages, as well as former students in their 20s & 40s. The reason is that we keep in touch , often visit each other, and send emails because we have much to share. And, it has always been this way, for I welcome change, new ideas, new experiences, new subjects, and never long for the past, which was not glorious and wonderful. 

Age segregated communities and activities often appall me though I realize that we all need time away from those who march to a different tune or step, but I do not care to  spend my life sharing  reminiscences among my contemporaries on  "the good old days," and criticizing younger people for involving themselves in newer choices.

 And, of course our children are not us; those who coerce by offering money and intrude upon their children’s lives are engaging in subterfuge—change only comes when there are differences. Otherwise, the status quo prevails. 

Sorry to disappoint,  pop culture, on the whole does not interest me, but often it resonates with history, for I grew up in the Depression, and I see many cycles and repetitions in events, styles, issues, and cultural developments.

As for that generation gap, my son, who is a trained classical pianist, made his profession composing and performing in pop music, such as Rock and Roll. He composed, played and recorded with many prominent musicians, and of course, his strength was literacy in music, because many pop stars cannot write or arrange music. Though I encouraged him and had no qualms about having a long haired rock star in the family, and was very proud of him, I had no interest in his music and still don’t. I stick to listening to Mahler. It was not contentious in our home, because it was taken for granted that all 4 of us had our own interests: father,mathematics; daughter writing & drawing; son,music & anything mechanical and electronic, and mother, literature & art. 

Somehow, differences in interests, attitudes, behavior, even in choice of food, location (suburbs for my children & metropolis for me) pose no problems. 

The word "divide" suggests painful or awkward differences; I don’t think so. Consensus, for me, is the danger. Our children do not have to share what we like and admire, because they live in a different world, as we did with our parents.  

Of course, I use a computer, and I was 14 when my parents finally acceded to my wanting a telephone in our home, so I’ve spanned an amazing  time, as my parents had.  I anticipate my children and now their children are more at ease with newer developments in technology than I am, but I never say no to anything new. I am selective.

 As for Facebook, I’m on it because a former student now living in Afghanistan contacted me. And  because my last name is unusual,  I receive greetings from those who used to address me formally when I was their teacher. Now they are old enough to call me by my first name. But, I differ in how I use Facebook; it does not represent a gathering of friends, it is a brief contact. And, so it goes, as the world moves on.

I take for granted that we are different  like flowers in a bouquet.  Personal choice, for me, is more significant than conformity.And, who says our children are our clones?

Do you consider the  discussion on this website enlightening or scholarly? 

As for: " It is comforting to dismiss those who do not share your opinions as idiots, but not very enlightening."

"I just love  fanatical religions, don’t you? They make so much sense." This so-called religious leader’s comments are absurd, for there is nothing like this in the Koran (I’ve read it); it is his take, an attempt to sway or influence young men, and reveals his foolishness. Subsequent comments are also foolish. Whatever people understand or feel about religion is not related to this  man’s claims.  

Americans, on the whole, know little about Eastern religions and usually glean translated information to soothe themselves or to misrepresent what is actually written.There is no real understanding of the texts and the different interpretations, or practices of millions of people. We simply stereotype others to suit our own inclinations.

 Frankly, writing or discussing this quote is a waste of time; for it reveals nothing relevant or important, and has been twisted by the media, as well as semi-literate people. And, don’t we welcome such idiocy, so that we can malign other and distract ourselves from facing real issues, such as our own idiocies?