You’re very welcome. I’ll add another note which is indirectly connected to the subject. As a child, I was a fussy eater, and my mother and I challenged each other at every meal. I hated that, and when older, I noticed how many parents used the table to sort out injustices, and I hated such scenes. As a parent, I focused on the positive; no negative comments or sound effects about foods my children did not like. I did cook a lot and enjoyed it, but I did include some foods my children did not welcome though there also were many they did. And, whenever they invited their friends who made negative comments, probably permitted in their home, I’d advise them that no one makes those sounds at our table. Also, because I’m at ease with children and like to be with them, these guests enjoyed being at our house. Some of them are now my friends, as well, and 40+ years have passed.

 But, the interesting thing that happened was that mothers would call later to tell me how much their children enjoyed eating with us, and could they come again? And, often our guests would learn to eat something they had never touched before, such as a rice dish, or fish. Because eating is a social event, I hope that caretakers, teachers, and parents make meals inclusive and teach children we have different tastes and preferences.  Your son’s inclusion also enriches the other children’s lives.  And, I’d tell him never to apologize for his different choices in food. I’m very strong about never permitting a group to behave like a herd—whether adult or children. Good luck to you. 

You’re right about ghee, which I cannot tolerate. My husband was  Indian, so I’m familiar with its regional cooking, and all areas used clarified butter. The vegetarian South, especially, and the Bengal region uses homemade cheese, all of which make me ill, though these foods are not fatal. I am also so relieved that clarified butter is no longer used in most restaurants here and even in homes, for I cook only with oil, and during my visits to India, I made certain that no ghee was  used, but when it was, I spent the night with a stomach ache and nausea. Also, as a hospitable gesture, additional ghee is heaped on platters. Many years ago here in New York when I was pregnant with my first child we  visited close friends, and when we left I vomited in the street, grateful that they were such wonderful hosts, but truly, they could have"killed" me. When I enter a Chinese or Japanese restaurant, I feel relieved that I won’t face the inevitable; they are safety zones for me.

 As for sulfa, I, too, was given a post-operative dose by the surgeon who didn’t pay attention to my instructions, and the result was horrible. Now, whenever I visit a doctor or  hospital, I make certain that they include all the necessary information. In advance, I print a list of present medications I take, as well as those that create havoc. 

Though both letters are about homophobia, they can be about any subject which separates family and generations,  because one generation is attempting to change an older generation’s attitudes and behavior. I’d like to say that all will be remedied by time, but from my experience, those of us who "transgressed" in the eyes of our relatives must learn to minimize, as much as possible the effects of rejection, disapproval, and betrayal.  All we can do is live  with dignity and integrity, and move on to the next chapter. 

There is no way to convince a relative, friend, or anyone who uses religion as a defense; though I know how painful it is to acknowledge that members of our family, including parents,  cannot accept who we are and what we did, I have spent many, many years realizing that it is their loss, for they broke the bond. I also realize that my words are not a consolation, and that this wound remains, but my experience has taught me that no matter what I did to mend the wall between us, it remained standing until death. However, I have tried to master my rage and anger, for I pity those who cannot love unconditionally. Because this is an open forum, I cannot disclose the awful details in my own life, but, believe me, the disapproval and lifelong silence of a parent has made me aware of my own limitations, and I promised myself that as a parent and friend, I would never repeat this behavior toward those I love.

A long walk from my home will take me to where the Towers once stood, but I don’t go there unless it is necessary, for it is an open grave in my mind, whatever they build upon it, and the day returns, for I stood near W. 8th Street and saw the 2nd plane plow into the building. Then, silent people walked north along our streets, St. Vincent’s Hospital became a refuge and a blood center, and the beginning of the end of our safety began. Memorial tiles along a metal fence remind us daily.

The despair for those lost or injured and the recognition that my generation would leave this sordid and ugly confrontation as a legacy for our grandchildren still overwhelms me.

Sorry, folks, hate to disillusion you, but your mothers prepared you very well, but you weren’t listening. I’m old enough to be your mother (actually Randi’s mother and I are acquaintances), and I recognized toxic friends long before you were born, because my immigrant mother taught me how to observe, listen, and wonder about friends and enemies. Give us a break; our circumstances, described by you young ones, do not resemble anything you observed or heard,  who knows why! Perhaps  you weren’t paying attention. And, keeping secrets was the way to go when necessary, though occasionally we found that burdensome. We learned those rules  when we were in elementary school, except we didn’t use toxic; we had  our own jargon which is now a secret.We made friends at work, while traveling, in our neighborhood, and the places we didn’t share with our family, and we learned about betrayal, competition, envy, and all that stuff.

 It’s getting corny to complain that your mothers didn’t teach you about vaginas, contraceptives, friendship, money, and sisterhood. Got news for all of you. We knew our anatomy, chose contraceptives, had complicated friendships with other women and confided in them about work, husbands, children, money, and anything else on our minds, and we didn’t confuse our relationships with our mothers and daughters. I can’t speak for siblings, because I didn’t have any, but friends were my support system, far and near, as I was theirs, and whenever an old pal and I meet (now in our dotage, according to you) and some live 3,000 miles away now, we continue our dialogue where we left off. And, I got rid of the toxic ones. 

I understand that Ms. Barash needs subject matter to publish books, but leave us out of it. It’s passe to blame your mother; ask the shrink you pay.

Take responsibility for your own attitudes and actions. You are grown up, I presume. Or blame Carrie!

Karleen, 

Those whose religious practices prohibit pork or mixing of meat and dairy,  do not accept invitations for meals in other peoples’ homes unless they practice the same rituals, and that is understandable. They don’t dictate to their hosts and hostesses. However, the reasonable list another writer gave us when she invites guests demonstrates generosity and understanding. Though I’m sure that guests who have other issues with foods may sound demanding and, perhaps, they are tactless, but food allergies & sensitivities are important issues for many. It’s not selfishness or rude to be frank about food preferences. I’ve sat politely in other peoples’ homes unable to eat anything though I’ve done it quiely, because I could not digest the food. The same thing occurs in restaurants, so I pick carefully, and ask in advance how some dishes have been cooked. 

Being a host means accommodating guests, doesn’t it? But, many hosts are not aware of the issues and may not inquire. Lack of accommodation is prevalent, and those who have food sensitivities or allergies must protect themselves, as well as be sociable. Let’s not minimize the risk, in some cases, if they don’t!

I agree with the suggestions that as a hostess one can prepare a dinner with several dishes, so that a guest with food sensitivities or allergies will find something to eat. I’ve cooked large dinners for family and friends, and I always ask about these matters.

 I am lactose sensitive, and though it is not fatal, whenever I’ve had butter, cream, milk, most dairy foods cooked in a dish, I spend the night suffering with severe heartburn and nausea, and occasionally I can’t eat for many hours, so I understand how much discomfort and for some more dire consequences may occur. Different kinds of salads and rice dishes are recommended. I grew up in a kosher home and my mother was diabetic, so such challenges are famiiar to me, though I do not face these conditions now. As respect to our guests, we can invent or improvise one or two dishes a guest may enjoy.

 As for the marital problem: these last weeks, while reading other descriptions of troubled marriages, I’ve again thought about the question, "Do men and women like each other?" and recently posed it to guests at a dinner party, and the discussion was very provocative and interesting.

So, what do you think: Do men and women like each other? 

I’m not trying to avoid the marital conflict posed by Margo today, but we had a very long and disturbing discussion recently, but, of course, based on a woman’s point of view toward her marriage, and now a husband has offered his. I do not want to repeat myself, so all I can recommend is seeking therapy, because living together for a long/short while, having the responsibility of children, and other demands affect partners’ libidos or, in most instances, the ideal does not match the real, and expectations are not met. In any case, I always recommend careful action to protect the children, especially about finance and visitation; in either case, there is no perfect solution.. 

Thank you, Lin. I enjoy reading some of the statements, and enjoy this open forum. However, mindlessness and emotionalism without civility appall me. We are here to discuss matters, not to malign each other. And, I do have a sense of humor, but not at the expense of members of this forum. I appreciate your response. My typing skills are diminishing, I think, and making corrections is an imperfect endeavor.

Marjorie,

I was offline for some time and did not see all the moss gathering around our comments; I did not use "shrewdness" as pejorative. It is required in public life, but my comment  was to distingish shrewdness and intelligence, which I believe you recognized.  And, yes Obama was/is shrewd. There is no way that he and others seeking fame and power could survive without it. However, I also think he is intelligent, and I spelled out what kind of intelligence was relevant to be a president or vice-president and serving in government. Yes, I was impressed by him when I read his autobiography long before the nomination.and certainly after his speech at the Democratic Convention, as well as the one on race. I consider him a man of my children’s generation at present and in the future. And, I hope I am part of it also. I know I have  more in common with his mother than with Sarah Palin and her flock.

However, subsequent responses to my statements revealed other writers’ displeasure with my list of qualities and traits I consider very important in a leader. That is the academic in me, for specifics support a generalization and conclusion.  However, my goal is not to  persuade or convince anyone, and certainly not on this website, because we really don’t know each other. I consider this a discusion.

 As for the smart aleck responses which followed, I can’t spend my energy addressing them. Faulty analogies, misguided humorless humor don’t fascinate me. As I’ve mentioned in other statements on another subject, I was born in the Depression, and these times are familiar. I also remember Roosevelt’s battles trying to convince others about Social Security and later the raucous over Medicare, two programs many of us benefit from, so I know that there will be great resistance, partly or mostly because people are afraid of change though they admit that our health care is faulty, and the other reason is adversarial, so that whatever Oboma proposes will be knocked down. My question is what is the alternative if we take no action to bring change in our health care?

So, levity, which some used to respond, does not impress me.