Don’t know whether it’s a Chinese saying or not: In an argument the first person who slings personal insults at the opponent loses the argument—and my words are added, she loses our respect. Readers & writers, KEEP your slings and arrows of personal attack to your private life; don’t publish or print online. You reveal yourselves, and it is truly ugly.

 (WHAT’S ANYONE’S MOTHER GOT TO DO WITH IT. USE YOUR BRAINS! )

Lym Bo, you may be right about the first impression for many was that McCain’s choice would have to be smart, but  people are more aware of who she really is—ignorant, proud of it, divisive, and not leadership material. McCain’s history and presentation, and of course erratic campaign (I’m a senior citizen and concluded that his senior moments were affecting his lack of coherence), but I think Palin was chosen because she was a woman (after all, Hillary, that smart one was running), white, and not smarter than McCain. His body language, his wife’s silences and body language, his history, and his lack of interest in women’s issues (several questions bewildered him, didn’t they?) proved to me he sought someone to razzle-dazzle the public, not to inform them. I recognized his gender preference as a ploy, not a serious, well thought out analysis of her character, intellectual and political strengths, but his priority was that she could "talk the language of folks,"  since he could not. A mid-western neighbor who’s lived in NY many years and  I watched Sarah Palin perform, and my friend said her winks, "cool talk," teases were part of her communication  style, nothing more and nothing less. Sarah Palin thought she was endearing herself to us, but from my New York view, she was  inept and childish. Suppose as the  vice president she winked at a foreign leader? How would that work? Would it be like Bush’s attempt to surprise and embrace the German president, startled as she was?

 Witness  some of the comments following mine on this website; she’s an American, they claim, so what does that mean?, Would we  want her and her family to represent us?

I haven’t read the adolescent boy’s article, nor have I paid much attention to Sarah Palin’s recent writings. And, they can live as they wish and conduct their affairs as they prefer, but 2 things disturb me: What in the world was John McCain thinking when he selected Palin to run as his vice-president! Could he imagine her and her entourage in Washington on serious business which required dignity, intellect, integrity, clearthinking, and a sophisticated world view of national and international history, the economy, the Constitution, and law, among many other matters?

 The media will use these mindless people who need so much attention, and there will be articles, of course, but, truly of what consequence?

 The other question I have is why do so many respond to Palin as though she is serious. intelligent, professional,  thoughtful, and interested in learning, and qualified for public service since it is obvious that she is ignorant, and so self-absorbed. Her irrational behavior, her greed for attention, and her ruthless maliciousness, now published in a newspaper make many of us wonder whether editors focus so much on money and readership that they relinquish their responsibilities to present news and information. Palin is irrational, lacks common knowledge, and is vindictive, so why do the few or many assume that her statements are based on fact and deep thinking? It truly bewilders and amazes me!

It is apparent that Palin and those connected to her make no distinction between the public and private, much like entertainers who must keep people interested in them.Of course, it earns them big bucks. Or is it an indictment of ourselves that government and commentators can indulge in  recreating the stuff of fantasy and gossip. So, who is the adolescent, eh?

It is my connection to the world, especially now that I am retired. Though I read a home-delivered newspaper every morning and several new & literary magazines, I rely on my computer for all kinds of news and information, and instead of using a public library I go online for research. I’m very curious by nature and research many subjects, now that I don’t have to focus only on literary matters (my former profession).

Socially, it is an integral part of my daily life, for former colleagues, friends, relatives who live abroad  are out of daily reach, and now, we are in touch. I rarely use the telephone, so the computer is very important to me.

I also use the computer to purchase books because it is a great source for out-of-print books and whatever interests me.

 And, because I was a 3-typwriter person for many years, I am thrilled that writing  & revising are done so easily onlne (no more erasures or that icky paper we used  for making duplicate copies). A book I’ve been writing is magically transformed whenever necessary, saved, and printed, at will. And, I maintain an almost-daily journal, and there it is stored in its own file—-though I’m still a paper person and have a full-sized filing cabinet in my bedroom home office. Paying bills is easy, as well as shopping, so no more coping with crowds in stores. 

Hurray for the computer! 

There are many trophy wives in our part of town. This young woman assumes she could be one, and perhaps she will be successful in finding a man who will take care of her, but as someone else wrote, she should get a lawyer, write a pre-nuptial agreement before marriage, and make certain that she saves some of the green stuff, because the rich guy, who probably isn’t a fool, may later or sooner seek a replacement—-or he may lose interest—-or he may remain indifferent. I wouldn’t dismiss this young woman’s ambition; she’s grown up thinking she is entitled to the best without working for it. There are many like her (though in this recession these lovelies are forced to think of other sources of income, such as finding work). Not all marriages are based on love. Keeping up appearances, demonstrating that a man’s worth is based on whom he marries, those who use money as a tool to gain admiration, whatever the hidden reasons are, marriage is more complicated than falling in love.

 This silly woman was born in the wrong time, because nowadays, unemploymet, suspicion about financial deals, everythng is in chaos, so she may have to learn how to support herself. Right now, for her it’s just an idea, not a planned procedure.

 As for personal history, I have supported myself beginning at 18, and even when married, and I married a man who worked hard to support his family, but I contributed financially, because I wanted to. As for education, I earned 3 degrees while working at shlocky jobs, and today I am an older, self-supporting woman who always paid her way to travel worldwide; I recommend it to every  woman, for knowing how to take care of oneself is a necessity for gaining self-respect and a sense of responsbility toward oneself.

But, who knows, maybe this foolish young woman has a better answer! 

Happiness is ephemeral; it comes and goes in the most unexpected moments, and having that as a goal seems flimsy and childish. Of course, this reflects my upbringing and age, for as a Depression child, making a living, reducing worry about paying the necessary bills, and saving sufficiently to protect the family were goals. To this day, I have considered money as a means, as someone here said, a process, to achieve security, wellbeing, and to reduce anxiety in an anxious existence.

 The conversations about billionaires are meaningless; their dilemmas are not relevant to most of us.. Comparisons with others, such as neighbors, friends, family members are not relevant. For me, making certain that the necessary and basic responsibilities are met—wth the aid and use of money—is significant. Having discretionary money for  aesthetic, cultural, intellectual, athletic interests is important, but shelter, food, education, health come first.

 As for money, being able to pay bills, save, have a little extra, and making certain, if possible, that you can be responsible for yourself as long as you live is one way of attaining happiness.  But during the 24 hour day, happiness is fleeting and sometimes invisible or non-existent.

What I find disconcerting, especially in American society, and I’ve lived abroad, is that so many people are so dissatisfied (I"m not referring to this present recession when the economy is erratic and dangerous). Renovating one’s home over and over again, buy the latest, trendy clothes for children, replacing everything as soon as there is somethng new, focusing on status, the image our cars present, eating in the famous places, all the signs of pseudo-wealth, often drive me nuts. Why conform to advertising? And, aren’t there ways of being grateful for what one has achieved and acquired without feeling more is absolutely necessary?

 No, money does not bring happiness; it is only the means to survive and have extras; if happiness accompanies all this, we’re lucky, but not always entitled! 

As for the daughter who does not go along with her parents’ religious practices, you can respect them, but be rational and civil.

 What guy? First grow up, make your own life, and when you’re ready to commit to  marriage, you and the guy can figure it out. It’s premature to even think about what you decision about your children will be in the future. There are many ways of coping with religious questions in marriage, even for those of different religions, but this is not your present dilemma.

 Your parents are staunch in their beliefs and have the old fashioned idea that their children must be guided in the same belief. They are not cruel, just set in their ways. Arguments, discussions about who is right are demeaning and futile. No conversation will make them waver, but you can develop a life of your own, not so dependent on them, and when you are ready and self-supporting, you can live independently, respecting your parents’ lifestyle, but you will make your own way.

If you want to discuss your newly acquired beliefs, then test yourself with your contemporaries, have discussions, do that instead of focusing on how you disagree with your parents. They gave you a stable home, have strong beliefs; be respectful, and try to limit unpleasantness. And, I’m not advising this because I don’t believe in openness, but trying to convince others, particularly family members, that it is appropriate for you to think independently is a lost cause at this time—-because you live with them. Explain politely that you do not want to go to church every week, and you appreciate their input, but you’d rather make your own decision.  

 As for Cinderella’s Dad, he’s living on the moon! Like others, I suggest counseling, and the advice for the stepmother to remain cool and kind is the best. The child isn’t responsible for her father’s nonsense about fun. He hasn’t a clue about the turmoil the child faces. As for the birth mother, she is in pain, afraid her daugter may prefer the new wife, or whatever. Go gently with this hurt dchild. Be yourself, give her time and space to adapt to visits, and reveal to her indrectly that you are interested in her.

 Try not to take it personally when she is rude or silent. Her anger is not at you; it is because her parents split up, and she has 2 homes and a father who remains wrapped up in himself. Imagine that happening to you at her age. How would you feel? Patience (and I realize how horrible it is right now for you) and civility are best. Remember, you are dealing with a child, not an adversary.

I agree about the worth of "My One and Only,’ which is a delight. I usually prefer the very serious, grim dramas which make me ‘suffer’ and think, and this, too, provoked thoughts and feelings. First, it is about George Hamilton’s childhood, and those of us who recognize the era, his mother, her antics, the clothes, mores, everything was familiar, perhaps exaggerated, but reminded me of the social limitations, especially of men and women’s relationships, and the either/or choices women made. The so-called dizzy blonde had a mind and sense of parenthood, which may have been unique, but wonderful.

Especially, I appreciated the complex and deep mother/son connection which was very well done.  And Renee Zellweger always takes risks in her choices of films. Bravo to Renee. 

I wish that Tarantino had joined the police department instead of making films. The Nazi era does not need his input; depicting cruelty, pain, and torture is not entertainment, and certainly not on this subject. I have no sense of humor about the WWII atrocities. Those of us who  grew up in that period and perhaps lost relatives don’t appreciate his macho awfulness. It’s a sign of gross insensitivity and childishness to produce this rot.

Someone should pay for Tarantino’s boxing lessons and let him have a go at that; give up such junk, please. Who needs his spiel on this subject?

INDEED, THERE ARE MANY WHO APPEAR MODEST AND SAFEKEEPING, BUT TEACHING REQUIRES AN ADVENTURESOME SPIRIT AND CHARACTER. I CALL US THE FOOT SOLDIERS OF THE WORLD, AND I ALWAYS MAKE CERTAIN WHEN SOME COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR LONG VACATIONS AND BENEFITS THAT THEY UNDERSTAND THAT SUMMER OFTEN MEANS TAKING A 2ND JOB TO SUPPORT A FAMILY, AND ALSO RECOVERING FROM THE STRESS OF DAILY TEACHING. I USED TO SAY THAT JULY WAS GETTING "OVER THE NERVOUS BREAKDOWN" AND THEN TAKING A TRIP. LET NO ONE MINIMIZE WHAT YOU DO. 

I accidentally hit the capitals button but am not changing it. I feel strongly about our profession. I’m retired now, but during those years, my colleagues, particularly women, said I always dressed for success, which meant no jeans or loungng clothes even during examination weeks, because I felt proud to be a professional, and I started teaching later than most.

 All those physical dares, in my view, don’t compare with facing an unruly group of adolescents in a classroom who will test the teacher, challenge every day, and then the mediocre administrators leap into the fray to observe, as they remain in the safety zone of their positions—for they escaped the daily grind and classroom paperwork.

Never apologize! When we took a day off from full time teaching it was not to play, but to catch up or recover. I loved it and retired when I realized I had become a workaholic; Totally unprepared for retirement, I continued teaching part-time in 2 colleges for 4 years, and then packed it in. There are no medals for such action, so we have to remind ourselves that we served in the trenches. 

Dawn,

 I had  to laugh when I read how you reward yourself with time out; my children still remember that when the day a been arduous, and I had been the ever ready battery, I’d announce I was taking a bath, which meant DO NOT DISTURB FOR  ANY REASON, AND THAT MEANT FOR NO EMERGENCIES, PHONE CALLS, OR WHATEVER! And, I’d lock the bathroom door.

And, it is no coincidence that you and I chose helping professions. My daughter-in-law, whose department has just "purged" a great part of the staff, including her assistant, was given a very high rating for her work, but she noticed that those less capable were given help. Fortunately, she reminded her supervisor  that she was doing the work of her former assistant, as well as her own work. I reminded her that being called "a strong woman" means no one has to help us. I urged her to seek help whenever necessary—-but no one had ever told me that when I was younger! 

Yes, this website gives us the opportunity to learn about each other, and to remind us that we are not alone.I lead a rather  solitary life now, retired and relocated to Manhattan where suburban friends do not come unless it is by dinner invitation or with other couples for theater and dinner; I am not invited because I am without a partner. ho hum. And, of course, I’ve lost friends because of death, their relocation, remarriage, and their insularity—no newcomers welcome, especially older women. When I retired I lost a community, and foolishly anticipated having more visitors, but it didn’t turn out that way. I am lucky that I can do most things alone, and  living in a large metropolis, one I love, gives me personal freedom, but like you, I am kind to myself, do what I wish, and enjoy this new chapter.

I often quote an old friend who said when I announced I was ending my 30 year marriage: "Even a felon gets time off!" So, here we are. 

Dawn, I recognized what you experienced having your children on your own. I used words to indicate that I too had my children alone, but didn’t want to go into details (especially when I used my earlier signature). so what I meant about "words missing" referred to my  going alone to the hospital, having labor, all that stuff we do to bring a child into the world, and there was no interest or connection.That is what I missed, too. And in later years, I continued to face such indifference. My reputation was that I was a "strong women," which gives others the excuse not to help.

You were very fortunate to have sisters who helped. I had no one, but it taught me to do whatever I needed to survive, especially emotionally and when I needed child care. Women are very innovative, so we make sure everyone is taken care of, but we, somehow, are not. 

Nancy,

We should not make comparisons, because there were so many obstacles in our lives, especially in those earlier days when women were supposed  to be so submissive. I was fortunate to come from a stable home, and though there was criticism and anger about my independent spirit, I came to no harm, but as you must have noticed in your own life, we repeat certain patterns when we choose partners, friends. Somehow, you created a new life for yourself, and you took care of your children. that is important.

Many of my friends, like you, married early to get out of their parents’ homes, and some later divorced and remarried. Others remained, complaining, but did not take the initiative to carry out their own wishes, and somehow they continued to accommodate everyone to maintain security and safety. Each of us has to decide our own course and then face the consequences of those decisions. 

As for retirement, treat yourself well. I believe in that. I retired 14 years ago, but I really wasn’t prepared, because I enjoyed working, and I was a workaholic, so I continued teaching part-time at 2 two colleges for 4 years, and then quit to travel. I consider I have a good life now, with little responsibility toward others, and I do as I please. I wish that for all women.

Nancy,

Thanks fo ryour reply. 

Yes, there are similarities in our situation; however, I was not an obedient, compliant girl, and went to work after graduating from high school, so when I worked  I dated, had boyfriends, and didn’t want to marry until I decided to have children, and most of all, I wanted to attend college, which my parents did not support, so I was in and out of night school. At 21, I moved out, something shameful in my immigrant community, and I was self-supporting and went to school.  By the tme  I married, I thought I knew much about men—-but that’s another story.

Whenever I’d comment how lucky  my 2 children were to have each other, they’d kid me and ask what I knew about kinship and siblings, and they’d tease me, because my friends were really my family, and it has always been so.

Also, I tried to minimize the competition of my son and daughter, but no one ever knows what that is about, and I’ve become more aware since they’ve grown up and had their own children. I, too, did not permit physical fights.

As for trying to have contact with cousins and others in the family, it is hopeless though I tried; I’m considered the black sheep, because  that I was on my own as a single young woman and I married whom I wanted to and did not have an arranged marriage (which was traditional in my family), I have never been able to manage any real connection with cousins or 2nd cousins. Their lives were completely different, so I gave up. However, I have overseas family and we have had intermittent communication since I was a teenager, and now the 4th generation and I are close. I go overseas to spend time with them, and recently one young couple  relocated and lives near me.

There are always surprises, aren’t there? Good friends have been the way for me, as it has for you. Thanks again for writing.

‘t’t there abut human connections, and I’ve come to accept that some people can’t forgive, can’t enjoy, and can’t welcome those they disagree with, even if they are "blood." So be it.