Don’t we all just love Charlie Rose. Maybe people who know him personally think he’s a bit of a knucklehead, but a charming one, I’ll bet. I’ve never met Mr. Rose, but I watch him regularly. Sometimes I think it’s just so I can see one handsome face before I fall asleep each night. But I’ve learned so much from his conversations over the years. He gave me a glimpse of Norman Mailer…and directed me to wowowow…and in many ways helps me feel a little less disconnected from the real world.

Having had trouble making and keeping friends over the years, I’m convinced friends come from your own ability to become a friend, be a friend. I feel like all of my current friends are people who (gratefully) have held onto me even when I had no sense of their value in my life. When you’re not sure you’re acceptable, it’s hard to feel accepted, even by the people who call every Christmas.

I used to do that… wake up to write. Now, I don’t know what wakes me up. I keep water by my bed. Usually, if I sit up for a minute and drink a little water, I’ll fall right back to sleep when I lay back down. Sometimes, if it’s four or later, and I’m really awake, I’ll yank on some sweats and take my dog, Henry, out to watch the day break…which is always sweet. Some nights I wake up every two hours, and usually it’s no big deal because I don’t have to be anywhere the next day. But it can be annoying when I do have a morning appointment. It’s “safer” just to stay awake. I think it’s all a symptom of the sleep deprivation I inflicted on myself when my kids were little…and sleep was just an annoying interruption to the daily quest for income and security.

Three husbands. Each time, the spiritual reward was even greater than the time before. But something in me still wonders if I’ll ever experience the spiritual rewards forever promised by “successful relationships.”